wanted: Friend For Hire

wanted friend for hire

need a craft mided

eager friend/companion/partner

to

share craft show space

&

Complete my projects.

pay will come in % of profits

from computer internet sales and craft shows.

Not always payed in cash

may be in exchange for supplies,

products, craft items, unpcycled collections…

basically all my junk!!!

Must be ambitious & Outgoing

be able to tolerate total chaos…

and survive my house, studio, and

interesting work enviroment.

Please no males reply!! My hubby is the jealous type…

Sorry,,,Looking for Potential Female Friend

hours-negotiable

pay- fluctuates

benefits- knowledge in new crafts, education and experience with the mentally ill….

and

POTENTIAL FRIENDSHIP!!!!

Bipolar 1 ugh my life

gone is the creativeness and energy till the mood swings the other way.its just a waiting game.bipolar is  a waiting for the other shoe to drop illness.its going so good then too good  then psychotic then crash the depression and then lower then you either die or swing back up to the high again.

 

 

My real mothers day

so should i tell you my creative way of explaining my mom day or the straight truth ill do both.The day before my hubby took me to fashion bug to pick out a dress that i wanted for mothers day then took me to sams club to buy my fav coffee for my kcups and creamer in the morning i was made homemade biscuits and chocolate gravy my favorite southern food served to me in bed with a cup of coffee.we watched tv and relaxed and at noon we went for a drive in the country  me with my hat i decorated and new lipstick then we went to the art exhibit at the museum and to an artist book signing and refreshments then we drove along the beach shore to view lake michigan and see the fancy homes on the lakefront.we came home i went into my room to relax his family came over and hubby made homemade custom pizzas for everyone then they left we had some amazing alone time and then everyone settled down to bed.ok reality i had a $10 gift card and a $15 dollar coupon for fashion bug so i got a $35.00 dress for under $10 went to sams club to pick up cheaper food and shit we needed still forgot the toliet paper we need to get.came home and i made 3 batches of homemade biscuits and cooked them put them in the microwave to sit overnight for morning ease and i made several batches of pizza dough was exhausted went to bed got up in the morning before others made myself a cup of coffee watched some tv fell back asleep hubby had to run out to get milk for choc gravy i cleaned up the mess after eeryone ate and put leftovers in fridge.got dressed up thinking he may have something planned he took me for a drive to the gas station that was giving away the premium car wash for free for moms so used me for car wash.then took me to the free museauym to look at the art and there happened to be a book signing and reception that had free cookies and candy we drove through downtown toook the wrong road ended up on other side of railroad tracks so we had to drive the long way home which follows along lake michigan and then we went home i got out all the toppings and set them up buffet style for my hubby to make everyones pizzas and i spent part of the evening in my room with my nephew on the internet looking for a scary clown name for him and trying to convince him to go into buisness with me as a clown and face painting for kids parties even though we specialize in horror makeup and we sent my photos of him to the costume store we shop at cause they want them for their website so i asked them for a store discount if we buy our supplies from them for advertising for them.took my pills and went to bed.now which story sounds better?

 

 

mothers day 2011

wow ive had 20 years of mother’s days for me.wew does that make me feel old.It was 90 degrees out that first mother’s day in 1991 when i was hugely pregnant with my first daughter.She was lying on my siatic nerve and i was on bedrest. My life has severly changed since then. I have raised 5 special children with unique individual quirks and illnesses while my self going through Bipolar 1 schizo affective dissorder Dissasociative Identity disorder or formerly known as multiple personality dissorder, Obsessive compulsive dissorder OCD Anxiety and Panic Attacks social phobia agoraphobia PTSD post traumatic distress dissorder,and ADHD.I think ive covered the whole alphabet with my illnesses. Being a mother has been very difficult for me and my many personalities that took turns raising the children and living my life.the whole changes of personalities the likes and dislikes the collections or hobbies or areas of interest that i have switched from over all these years and nobody ever thought it was odd and that more than one person was controlling my body??

these are so good

Gone With the Wind 75th Anniversary contest answers

I am very excited about this contest as it is my ultimate movie i have the 50th anniversary and the 70 th anniversary collectors editions.I watch the movie once a week and read the book once a year.the following is my answers to your questions;

1) My favorite line from the book I feel influences all Scarlett’s decisions from then on. It is page 135 the scene with Rhett dancing with Scarlett.he says “Bravo! Now you are beginning to think for yourself instead of letting others think for you.Thats the beginning of wisdom.” How to the core of Scarlett’s being  does that reach that she, from that point on, no longer cares what others think of her or her actions.

2)My favorite character of course,is Scarlett O’Hara.She is very aware of her god given talents and the power of the game of flirting.She is the puppeteer and men are her puppets on strings doing exactly what she wants, all but the Alluring Rhett Butler.

3)Scarlett is truly good deep down inside.She is simply honest, opinionated and speaks her mind. She is tough and Brave.Scarlett carries the true Southern Pride. She may be determined and selfish but she is a survivor. She portrays Strength ,Honor and Goodness in her magnificent personality.

4) Rhett should not stay with Scarlett. He had given her his whole heart and she rejected him with her obsession with Ashley( which I think her obsession with Ashley is her attempt to remain 16 and still be a southern belle.)Rhett deserved the dignity and satisfaction of having the final say. He walked away with his Pride intact.It ends passionately and final

5)The amount of times I have read the book Gone With the Wind exceeds the 25 years that I have been reading it.I at least read it faithfully once a year to commemorate the book and film.

6) I gut wrench sobbed the very first time i read the book that it left tear stains on the ink in the pages of my copy of Gone With the Wind. Even to this day, when the loss of Bonnie and of then Rhett causes a wrench to twist inside and the tears well up and a feeling of emptiness for Scarlett I feel.

7)My unfaltering choice for Scarlett O’Hara would be modern day southern belle  Reese Witherspoon.She displays her southern pride and the strength and charm of Scarlett’s personality.Reese is capable of using flirtting apeal to her advantage over the opposite sex. My choice for Rhett Butler is Mathew McConaughey. He has southern charisma and smoldering sex appeal with the laid back cassual attitude of Rhett Buttler.

lonely beyond grief

I never thought i would miss having a best friend so much. I am in search of a best friend.I want coffee dates and a shopping partner someone to come hang out and do some crafts with me. I have an ache of loneliness it hurts beyond imagination. Nobody understands me no one knows me  no one listens to me.im hurting and there is noone to soothe my soul….

I have never felt so lonely…

I am having a horrible day and my husband doesn’t even give me an ounce of sympathy and even agrees with all the negative shit my ma yelled at me for 45 minutes.I have been told I was a bad mother , a bad example for my kids, i dont teach them right, i am not allowed to tech them about my witch shit, he did nothing to comfort me and he is ignoring me.we never have anything to say to each other anymore and nothing in common but 4 mentally screwed up children that he wont accept their diagnosises and doesnt approve of the meds.my ma says i need to disipline them more.and that it is wrong that i dont make them watch the news to see what is really going on in the woirld around them.that it is better for them to be scared of everything in life because they need to know the world is an awful place filled with murders and war and crime in their own neighborhood.that it is wrong of me to not expose them to the newspaper so they can see how horrible life is and learn about death and murders and rapes and wars.why do they need that in their lives give me one good thing it will do to teach them about that?my husband and his mother conspire against me that the kids should be back in school but they cant even behave enough to take them to a store but they should be forced to sit in a classroom everyday thats the right thing to do.I want to run away.my chest hurts,i threw up, i have no life,im mentally ill and the dr is worried about me.no one else is.I am so unhappy at this very moment i would leave it all behind and set my soul free…

Im certainly Alice

I feel much better today.I have let go of some of the stress and the kids liked their baskets so that stress is over and the new couch looks awesome in my newly redecorated living room just need to rehang the paintings to center over furniture.My mind is in a better place but i still have to o to family dinner.that is always a trip and alot of stress. I have realized that I have been Splitting with my DID quite often lately.No one seems to notice but me.im not in control of my own mind or body yes i got out the research books and the counselling books and basically there is nothing but reduce stress and anxiety or avoid certain situations is the only solution they have come up with.they dont even have a counselling the multiple personality individual in any of my counselling books because i am such a rareity and most dr’s and counselors dont believe it exsists.i live it so i know that it exsists.so you can say you know a rare person who truley is DID. Sometimes I get to watch as a personality controls my body other times im gone cradled in the shelters of my mind.if things get stressful poof !!! i go away….

spiralling down the rabbit hole….

I am so messed up right now I havent been this low in such a long time lifes not worth this much pain and sorrow.it hurts just to exsist.i am taking my meds and going to sleep and if i wake tomorrow i will hopefully be well again.im so streswed my stomach is in knots and preasure in my head all i need now is to see and hear things and ill be back to “normal” another psychotic break is on the edge i’m barely hanging on by a thin string….one more event and away i go…

Dissasociative Identity Disorder acting up…..

Ok first dont panic I do have some things under some control.I am having mental issues and have no one to talk to so you get stuck being the one i have to unburden on. yes i could probably get a counseller and pay $3 a copay to meet 3 times a week to listen to me talk and then not even solve my problem but have me work on it for a few days and take baby steps and simplify my life i try to do to much bullshit stuff they say and they have the same college education as me with the same credentials so why cant i fix myself.i have found i have to write it out and think usually a journal or i tried the blog but then i lack the human reaction or comment or just maybe the sympathy only a real friend can give with total honesty cause i dont like to be lied to or used.ok anyways the point is ive noticed recentlly that time has been dissappearing again and things are getting done and i dont ever remember doing them and i have no concept of time or day.so that could mean my did is acting up.my educated guess would start the problem back when my aunt died.thats when i start missing time.i am also facing self blame for it and then the realization that probably within the next 5 years i will be losing all my grandparents even though i am distant from them i think i keep my distance cause they are gonna die.anyways you get to be my counselor if you can handle the job with everything going on in your life right now i feel bad unloading it on you.i can maybe even pay you my $3 copay a week for my complaining and psychotic emails.No this is not a bad movie or a book it is my life and the people that are in it are real.print my emails and turn it into  book or help me write the one i want to write about a life with all the dissabilities i have and how im still managing to be somehow functionable to an extent.if it were not for the adderrall and the vyvanse i wouldnt be out of the bed like before i would be catatonic.and the herbal tea helps to let me accept the reality of my fucked up life.my kids are all messed up the homeschooling is not working like it should i clean the same messes everyday myt kids do nothing i have the same routine of cleaning everyday but it never misses a day and dealing with these all defective kids 24/7 with the constant litterall screaming or the fighting or the attitudes and disrespect lack of privacy and a husband who calls and comes home in the same mood all the time pissed off or disgusted and the house is so disgusting that i just spent all my time cleaning over and over again so hes basically calling me disgusting and that i cant doit right the4n he complains about his job then its time to make dinner kix calls every 1/2 hour  he surely dosent want to here what he calls my bitching so then im tired and emotionally worn out and go to bed and he gets a shower and goes to bed and then it all starts over again.so i feel like shit so i get high to make it all a more lala land so im not stressing and drugged up on ativan and klonapin sluggish instead im perky upbeat and loud and talking and enjoying the things around me while im high then i dont feel or see the real reality of my life.and then i take my meds to go to sleep the ones to wake me up mke sure im happy and dont let anyone think i might be losing it again cause they cant deal with it anymore so what they are going to abandon me divorse me disown me because i am not well.so i get high and pop some pills to fake it and never complainnt o no one how i really feel.i never get to tell anyone what i really feel or think i always have had to hide my thoughts my feelings my illnesses you know what i just decided i am going to print this in a few copies and give one to my ma and tracy and maybe even my grandma why leave her out this letter at the seminar tonight and see wht their reactions will be.i’m not normal rightnow im having a hard time i am behind on ebay and i am not succeding at homeschooling and i really am really disabled and am having alot of blackouts and dont know what to do and i need help.

 

 

No Brain Waves

I am experiencing an undescribable if that is even spelled right type of day.I litterally have no thoughts or conversations running through my head.for once it is absoulutely silent and i don’t know what to do.I have no motivation im not in a deppression but I am deffinately not hypomanic or full manic its just calm and that never happens to me.i always have thoughts and conversations and music and words and projects running on high speed in my brain and this is silence.it’s so weird.i cant even write because there is no thought.

OCD!!!!!!RITUALS!!!!!

because of my ocd every pillow {which so far im up to about 15 in the bed}has to be in its right place and the bed turned down just right after i have febreezed and lint roller brushed the whole bed yes im that OCD

 

drug addict??who me????

wow i had a busy day.just have about 2 lbs of chocolate to finish in the morning i just took my meds so if i quickly end it means they are working.yes i guess i can say i am dependant on drugs i use them and i like them and my life would suck without them.i got my morning amphetemines my afternoon tea and my bedtime cocktail of tranquilizers and anti psychotics etc..my life cycles around my meds.but without the combo of all of trhem i am a totally differentr person and i mean that literally too.hahaha

Easter Chocolates

Somehow in my messed up brain I came up with the old fashioned idea of making homemade chocolates for the kids for easter.like they are going to even appreciate the effort involved.so i bought 15lbs of white and regular chocolate and e=ven made my own cookies and cream with oreos.now i have to get the motivation to go right now and make them while the kids are at ma’s.it would have been simpler to buy dollar store a few bags each but nooooo i have to be nostalgic and pull out all the old molds my ma used to make my chocolates and the ones she’s sold when i was little for spare $$.i have to go make 15lbs of chocolate!!!ooh i hear the mail truck i cant wait for the mail its the highlight of my day.back to chocolates,will me kids look back someday like i do and think of hoe hard my mother tried to make my easter special?will they even care?how will they remember me? at the far least  want them to remember me as uniquely one of a kind.i dont want to be ordinary,i cant be,im too fucked up to be whatever is supposed to be normal unless i am normal and everyone around me is fucked up and thats why i look so odd.hmmmmm something to think about!!!

Handicapped sex and an India Doctor!!!!

I have to write this down just to believe the experience i had tonight.myhusband and I went with my ma and dad to an MS semniar which we have gotten accustom to instead of being wedding crashers we go to MS seminars for the free food and entertainment.well tonight it was at  local resturaunt.the topic: sexual disfunction from MS.So here i am buzzed off my asslistening to a doctor who was from India weith a thick accent and is about 75 years old discuss sex and msturbation and vibrators obviously he was uncomfortabkle discussing this topic in front of a large group and it was presented in a very drone tone and serious scientific approaches.keep in mind i amsitting next to my parents who i thought were listening and taking notes to find out afterwards thy were making jokes about the subject.omg thawas such an awkward uncomfortable situation and i just busted out loudly histeyically laughing in a silent room.it was really too much a comedy isnt even as scripted as well as this situation played out over the evening sitting back observing from the litteral back left corne of the room.oh i could pee my pants i was laughing so hard…..

published author

Dear XXXX,

Your tip for saving on summer activities is slated for potential
publication in the July issue of All You magazine.  I am fact checking
the story and was hoping you could verify the following as soon as possible,
just to make sure nothing has changed since you were last in touch with
us:
Well im almost a true published author.oh i will buy several copies of that issue and send them to everybody.i know to others it must seem like a small nothing but to me it is meeting a lifelong goal of being a published author its not my book yet but its a start.does this mean i can add it to my portfolio of experiences and examples of my work???i made a national magazne,im editting a video for youtube of doing the killer clown makeup.oh my work was so goodhate to brag but it was good.im developing the photos of all my work in 8×10’s  to make a portfolio typng on this computer is like using a deffective typewriter cause it keeps missing keys and letters.so excuse my typos

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Maybe my little ve f theatrical stage make up is becau with have had to be so many “mes” with their own personal styles and separate identities!!

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Oh Cody bear I miss you so much. I have never felt pain this bad to lose my beautiful son, my child. It is your birthday today and I don’t know how to get through.oh the pain it is indescribable the feeling of loss.i understand that we each have a destined amount of time and you lived your whole life in a shorter time. That’s one that we have in common is we all die.you glowed. We always commented on several photos that would fave a white aura around you you go load did so many photos and in life you live your life time just is a shorter time. You did everything I mean you lived every day every moment you enjoyed life. we always were afraid were going to lose you from early on. A premonition maybe that something was going to go wrong I don’t know but we knew that every moment with you is precious. There is no way to explain how much I miss you and wish you were here right now! You were my beautiful boy ,you were just so pretty and I love you so much and I miss you so much I don’t know how to carry-on with so much pain. Happy birthday my firstborn son I love you and miss you.until I see you again…..

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Sometimes I still need my alone time like when I’m doing laundry or once in awhile when tracy took everyone with somewhere even though when they get home every single time Tracy’s upset or aggravated stressing like he just came from the dentist instead of spending precious irreplaceable moments, memories with our kids.maybe it’s because I was an only child so I was used to my time y. Using playing my movie I want to watch on a third of the food for my family was bought only because I liked it and I was going to be able to have all of it to myself without ever have to share anything….bedroom,video games, toys nobody touched my stuff it was all mine. Ok maybe I was well to do by any means. We were very poor I had a funny accent I was a hillbilly I am a coal miners great granddaughter, I play in slay dumps and sewer drain tunnels, I did live in a trailer for 5 years. I did marry a half redneck half his family tree all from the same town in the great smokey mountains Tennessee way back traced to at least late 1700’s, who became a truck driver. I admit I am a spoiled rotten Bitch! Am I supposed to be in a relationship and not be deliriously happy with my husband. To miss him when he’s too far over on his side of the bed or we are cleaning or doing projects in different rooms. I love my husband loves only me that we have been together since we were 19 years old exactly one year after Tracy graduated from high school and I was in college. That’s coming up to 24 years. More time living together than growing up in our parents’ houses.

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I need to ask all of you an important question. I don’t usually post mushy etc. but my 18 year old son died 11/21/2016. You are the only people that have similar beliefs as me when it comes to everything that has to deal with passing on.none of my family belief completely as me but I’ve got some of them “thinking” about our views versus catholic/Christian white man beliefs brainwashed into our psyche from birth all around us.back to topic get off my soapbox. The question how do you answer when asked how many kids you have then they have to ask ages sex names etc… what are some different responses I could use to make a very awkward moment go smoothly and prepared? 

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Right now I was just remembering that almost a year ago when I would ask Cody about his music because he chose I would say hip-hop type music black music rap music in and P
Lot of friends that were wrapping and having their own videos he I would listen to the song and not understand because I was listening from my outsiders ears and taking Oliver wants for literal meaning so it didn’t make much sense but once he explained to me the different definitions but they used parts from Florence in today’s language for you it reminded me so much of Shakespeare and how hard it is for us to try to translate what ones they use that we have a different meaning for I miss my son Cody

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I find myself in a point in my life especially during this time of morning that I need to express myself and journal again I’ve tried therapy I’ve talk to different doctors my last therapist said I seem to have a pretty good grasp on being a therapist to myself to paraphrase it because I’m doing everything to help myself with all the learning that I got knowledge that I got from going to school to learn how to fix myself but now I have physical disabilities on top of it today I was officially declared disabled by the US government and social security department and I’m declared both mental and physically disabled this puts a different perspective on my life and I’ve changed! Just over the course of the last few days I will never be the same again I’ve changed and hopefully for some people that’s for the better and if anybody doesn’t like it I guess they’ll just have to deal with her MoveOn but my life has changed forever

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Anyone knows my family knows Cody’s history and it yes we must have a different types of this in with him but we don’t poke in Facebook this is been there sooner counting on us to Kia tryst with you I had this life is not a comedy but I have no house first time Tracy and I decided i’m laying down in the wrong and this man because Cody bought an iPhone 7 was working at Ross Donely home and had a drunk mom but the very next day he quit his job hop and so we put down the law that he had to give us the phone because he quit his job and can’t pay for it he started fighting back you know acting like a teenager and we made made the awful comment that maybe he should go live with his girlfriend’s family if he thinks it’s so bad here you know try living with someone else and he said fine and in the past Cody have loved for a few days or weeks but he always came home he couldn’t run away he couldn’t be without a seat he still slept in bed with us she still laid in bed with us every night practically before he went to bed no matter if it was at midnight or 3 o’clock or 5 o’clock or 6 o’clock in the morning when he came home for most oleum he climbed in bed with us anyhow this one time he actually laughed and chew days later my son is gone I’m so against disciplining children for stupid reasons that are important that aren’t life-threatening because you don’t know what your last words to your children may be when you see them last

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After having some tea downstairs in Cody’s room surrounded by his essence and trying to gather the large amount of dirty laundry and hidden dishes I might not be able to salvage and they’ll end in the trash. But I have some kid rock a buzz and yes crying off and on and those who know me I’m a cold hearted bitch hmmmm haha I am spending time with Cody Grinus my son I can feel him with me. Havin a bowl cheesin with his smile and almost closed eyes and never a bad word about anyone always talking about his niggas his bros how he got their backs and with each girl, each crush was love to him, he was a one girl at a time even though I started at 12 trying to encourage him to be a playboy cause he was just so pretty and could rock any style he chose he didn’t care if it was the trend he was his own trend since birth and he’s loved shoes since his first pair of Jordan’s we bought when we were pregnant and heard his heartbeat for the first time. He had his own style it just was Cody Grinus And a little advice from his cuz’ Scott Proskin RIP who had just came back from California and changed Cody’s style forever. Help me son wash your clothes for the last time and then pass what I can on to your brothers yes even your bro Ryan Petry

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Terrorist at the airport me??I was delayed at the airport for my carry on bag to be inspected by security I was pulled oh um escorted aside while a few men with gloves slowly examined my bag getting to my purchase I had made the night before a purple box of Elvis collectors cards for $9.99 .they had to undo the whole collection when my hubby asked why we were detained what was it the security officer said with a strange tone the cards looked like a brick. They thought I had a bomb with me . I got bomb searched. More than one person in their head thought I was caring a bomb.they believed lives were at stake.i was a suspect for a few thoughts.and I was clueless as to what the big deal my collectors Elvis cards were making.

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Cory taught me chess last night I caught on enough and figured it out to play the second game adequately. Off to find better chess pieces to play tonight